It’s March 3rd, and you know what that means: “What if Dogs and Cats Had Opposable Thumbs Day” has arrived again, the day on which we contemplate the true meaning of how the world would be different if our pets had opposable thumbs and could do the sorts of things we humans take for granted.
The day is the brainchild of prolific holiday inventors Ruth and Tom Roy, who have created nearly a hundred holidays, with rituals and recipes for many of them. Today’s holiday ritual is simple contemplation.
If our pets had thumbs, they would …
- Raid the refrigerator: And not just for ice cubes. You’d have to padlock the meat drawer or all the cold cuts, steaks, and bacon would vanish.
- Open containers: With opposable thumbs, he could get his own treats — although he would still need you to buy them for him. Fortunately, he’d be able to text you a reminder when he was running low.
- Text: We’re pretty sure your dog would text you to pick up treats on the way home. And, also to ask when you’re coming home. Your cat, on the other hand (!) would have ordered them online and had them delivered.
- Hitchhike: Maybe your dog or cat fancies a vacation in a more exotic locale. With the ability to hitchhike, he could make that dream come true. Long weekend in Florida, anyone?
- Use the TV remote: Leaving the TV on for your pets when you’re gone is a nice gesture — but, what if they don’t want to watch Animal Planet all day? With opposable thumbs, your dog or cat could flip to NatGeo or the shopping channel or that weird channel that just shows fish swimming all the time. Or Dog TV. Whatever makes him happy!
- Use the phone: How many dogs does your dog know? Your pup would be on the phone the minute you walked out the door, inviting all his buddies from the dog park over to raid the refrigerator and eat all the treats you just brought home.
- Open doors: Do you have a puppy? You can bet that pup would be in your closet in a New York Minute, selecting your favorite, most expensive shoes to destroy.
- Flush the toilet, flush the toilet, flush the toilet: This may be more of a cat sport than one that fascinates dogs, but you can bet your water bill would skyrocket with the cat flushing the toilet just to watch the water disappear. And if you have a very clever cat, she would probably be dumping things INTO the toilet (watches, jewelry, socks, the canary), just to see things disappear.
- Download apps: Pet not into TV? Maybe he’s more of a gamer. If he had thumbs, he could download apps on your smartphone or tablet — think Angry Birds, Pocket Zoo or Neko Atsume — or maybe just kick back and play Catlateral Damage on your computer.
- Shop online: Speaking of using your computer, your pet could put his thumbs to work buying things online. Who wouldn’t want new chew toys delivered straight to the door? And then you could teach him to order his own snacks and stop texting you all the time!
On the other hand, if our pets had thumbs, they would never …
- Pick up their own poop. Because you know they wouldn’t. They would be all, “I’ll get it later.”
- Close the toilet. You just know their justification would be “Why bother closing it when I am going to be getting a drink in a few minutes? Duh.”
- Eat their vegetables. They’d be picking them out of their bowls and tossing them under the fridge. No doubt.
- Close the door. Think about it. If they had thumbs, they would open doors, but being animals, they wouldn’t bother to close them. And if we were to say, “We don’t live in a barn,” they would shake their heads and say, “And why don’t we…?”
- Ever get off Facebook. They would spend every waking minute on their Catbooks and Dogbooks “thumbing up” every single thing Boo posted on his wall. Without irony. (You may think we are joking, but you haven’t yet met Approval Cat, the cat who gives a thumbs up to everything.)
What would your pet do if she or he had opposable thumbs?
