They’re smiling because they have opposable thumbs and now we’re in trouble!
A holiday to be grateful that our pets don’t have a better grip.
Imagine a world where our favorite furry companions had thumbs. Opposable ones. Thumbs that allowed them to open their own tins of food, easily steal your possessions, and generally get into more mischief than they already do. What kind of world would that be?
“What if Dogs and Cats had Opposable Thumbs” Day aims to give us all pause for thought and think about how different our lives would be if Mittens or Fido joined the ranks of the – supposedly superior – species with opposable thumbs.
The History of What if Dogs and Cats had Opposable Thumbs Day
This wacky and weird observance day was the brainchild of Ruth and Tom Roy, who are known for creating holidays – almost a hundred of them, in fact. Of course, this is one of the key questions of life, so it makes sense that a day should be dedicated to it.
What makes us humans so special is that we have opposable thumbs. Without them, we wouldn’t be able to do half the things we can – open things, turn handles, hold bits and bobs. It’s one of the key things that separates us from animals, which can’t really get a grip to the same level that we can.
Tom Roy says that he came up with the idea after having had cats and dogs in the house for 45 years, and realizing that their main dependency on humans was for food. So, he thought, how would things turn out if they didn’t need humans to turn that can opener?
How to Celebrate What if Dogs and Cats had Opposable Thumbs Day
Today, it’s time to appreciate the skills that your pet has – and maybe the skills that she doesn’t have!
In celebration of this day, we have been doing some serious contemplating, pondering what they would and wouldn’t do.
If cats had opposable thumbs, no doubt this would be their choice for waking us up. (Honestly, this is little better than midnight barfing.)
If our pets had opposable thumbs, they would …
1. Constantly be in the refrigerator, vacantly staring into it (much like we do), wondering why the very thing they want is not in there.
2. Snarfing pizza for breakfast (because they can now open the refrigerator and they finally realized they want pizza).
3. Making long distance prank phone calls and ordering large sides of beef to be delivered – along with the commercial freezer to store all those delicious steaks.
4. Surfing the Internet for questionable videos of Lassie and Rin Tin Tin.
5. Watching reruns of Dogs 101 and making fun of other breeds.
6. Inviting the whole dog/cat neighborhood over for snacks, because now they cannot only open the refrigerator and cupboard and snack bags, but also open the front door as well.
7. Getting into your closet and destroying every dog and cat outfit you ever thought they looked cute in.
8. Incessantly texting you at work. What’s for dinner? When will you be home? Are you bringing Chinese? … I like Chinese. Can I have a puppy? Can we go for a walk NOW? Where’s the steak sause? How do you scramble eggs? Sorry about your $250.00 loafers.
9. Hiding all shampoo and dog bath products. This also includes doggy toothpaste.
There are also a lot of things they would not do if they had thumbs; enough that we were able to compile a short list.
If our pets had thumbs, they would not …
1. Pick up their own poop. Are you kidding? You know they wouldn’t. That’s what we’re for.
2. Close the toilet. You just know their justification would be, “Why bother closing it when I am going to be getting a drink in a few minutes? Duh.”
3. Eat their vegetables. They’d be picking them out of their bowls and tossing them under the fridge. No doubt.
4. Close the door. Think about it. If they had thumbs, they would open doors, but being animals, they wouldn’t bother to close them. And if we were to say, “We don’t live in a barn,” they would shake their heads and say, “And why don’t we…?”
5. Never get off Facebook. They would spend every waking minute on their Catbooks and Dogbooks “thumbing up” every single thing their friend posted on their walls. Without irony. For realz. (You may think we are joking, but you haven’t yet met Approval Cat, the cat who gives a thumbs up to everything.)
6. Stop touching themselves. You see how much Max licks himself? Well imagine him — or her — with thumbs. Yep, you are now living with a four-legged fiend who thoroughly embarrasses you every time you have company.
We know there are lots more things our pets would and wouldn’t do if they had thumbs. What do you think yours would do?
